Stay Fit And Healthy Until You’re Dead by Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead.html

Author:Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead.html
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-04-27T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 6. Bodybuilding

Most of us males, at one time or another, have felt like Joe, the scrawny little wimp in the old Charles Atlas advertisement who was humiliated in front of his girlfriend on the beach when the muscular bully kicked sand in his face. As you’ll recall, Joe sent away for the Charles Atlas bodybuilding course, then came back to the beach with large, bulging, rippling muscles. When the bully returned, he was extremely impressed and suggested that Joe should also apply oil to his body so that it would have a satiny gleam, and perhaps shave his armpits. Before long, they were very close friends and often helped each other select posing outfits.

You may feel that this is the kind of story that “only happens in comic books,” but in fact it can happen to you, too—provided you have the discipline, drive, endurance, and just plain old-fashioned guts required to procure the necessary steroids.

Ha ha! Just a little fitness humor there. You don’t need to ingest pharmaceutical substances to develop a major body; you simply have to follow the simple-to-follow instructions in this chapter. But first, let’s answer some commonly asked questions about bodybuilding.

Q. I’m a man. How large should I let my muscles get?

A. This depends on the size of your head. See, your body has only a certain number (21,796,349,582) of cells. Each of these cells can be either part of your body or part of your head. This means if you make your body bigger, your head has to get smaller. So you should cease your muscle development as soon as you start noticing the warning signs of severe head reduction, such as:

Buying lawn ornaments Having trouble following the plot on “Dukes of Hazzard” Answering to the name “Vinnie”

If you already meet any of these criteria, you probably shouldn’t do any bodybuilding at all. Of course, if you already meet any of these criteria, you’re probably still trying to figure out how to get this book open.

Q. Can a woman such as myself engage in bodybuilding?

A. Of course! Although experts have discovered that a woman can never achieve the large muscle mass and definition of a Mister Universe, she can still, with patience, dedication, and hard work, make herself look grotesque. Or she can simply have large, realistic depictions of centipedes tattooed on her face.

Q. Once I become huge and muscular, will I still be able to operate a telephone?

A. Push-button, or rotary dial?

Q. Push-button.

A. Probably.

Now that we’ve answered your commonly asked questions, let’s take stock of your current body. Take off all your clothes and stand in front of a mirror, and let’s make an objective, professional, scientific assessment. Go ahead! Don’t be shy! We can’t help you if we can’t see what we’re working with!

(PAUSE)

So! That’s your body, eh? Hahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Excuse me. I’m not (choke, gasp) laughing at you, really. I just, ummmmm, I just thought of something funny somebody said to me in 1967. Anyway, looking at your body, I would hahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha! Excuse me.

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